How to Discourage Candidates November 26th, 2007

I present highlights of a post from Craig's List "gigs" section.

Happy Holidays!

Before you learn about this exciting opportunity, PLEASE DO NOT APPLY IF ANY OF THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE:

"YOU IDIOT"

  • You do not have strong references. All references will be verified.

"We don't trust you."

  • You cannot pass a state and federal criminal background check. It is mandatory for this position.

"We REALLY don't trust you."

  • You do NOT live in Southern California or are unwilling to commute on the 405. We hate traffic just as much as you do.

"Life is a sequence of suffering."

  • You are NOT willing to be on-site. This is a full-time on site job.

Your manager will bug you every 10 minutes.

  • You are an off-shore firm hoping to get my business.

Notice "my."

You are a Linux-obsessed, PHP-loving, Ruby-on-Rails guru who is addicted to Apache fanatic.

No mention of Hitler?

We are a Microsoft shop (ASP, SQL, .NET, ASPX, C#, IIS, etc.) and are looking for Senior-level web-based application developers

Microsoft owns SQL?

This is not a development team lead position; this job opening is for an individual contributor who works as a team player.

You have no say.

All development tasks will be assigned and approved by your supervisor.

This is his company.

Our clients are:

  • Inc 500, Fortune 1000, and Russell Global 2000 firms

Did you know JC Penny is on the Fortune 500? Seriously.

  • Financial Services, Healthcare, Government contractors, etc.

"Help us help them fuck you."

Some of our benefits include:

  • Full medical, dental, and vision
  • 401k, AFLAC, Life insurance, Long term disability, and more

Like Google!

  • Ping pong & foosball tables on site.

Like Google!

  • No stock options – it’s not the dot com days anymore!

Oh.

  • Walking distance to very large mall, Movie Theater, dining, bowling, and more.

"We are conveniently located in a renovated Panda Express."

  • Access to the MSDN, TechNet, and Action Pack libraries to build your own lab at home, work, in one of our datacenters, etc.

But there's no such thing as free software, Hitler.

Requirements

  • At least 5 years of solid experience with database-driven web development using Active Server Pages, SQL Server, and IIS.
  • Responsible team player with strong client-facing interpersonal skills.
  • Demonstrated excellence at working effectively with all levels of staff, clients and other personnel
  • Attention to detail a must.
  • Strong follow-up skills. This is critical.
  • Effective verbal and written communication skills and the ability to interact professionally with a diverse group of people.
  • Displays strong listening, writing, presentation, speaking, and meeting mechanics skills.
  • Expert -level knowledge of Classic ASP and HTML.
  • Expert -level knowledge of T-SQL programming. Must know stored procedures, functions, views, triggers, and more.
  • Intermediate knowledge of .NET architecture.
  • Intermediate knowledge of SQL Server 2005 Reporting Services.
  • Intermediate knowledge of IIS 5 or greater.
  • Intermediate knowledge of Windows Server 2003.
  • Intermediate knowledge of XML, XSL, and XSL-T.
  • Intermediate knowledge of VB 6.
  • Intermediate knowledge of Web Services. Must have previously integrated web applications with back-end systems via published APIs and web services.
  • Must have developed software in a shared development environment before.
  • Must be familiar with all aspects of the Software Development Lifecycle – dev, test, staging, etc.
  • Must be familiar with how to use the Microsoft Office suite (2003 or newer).
  • Must be very familiar with the Visual Studio IDE and integrated version control software.
  • Must be very familiar with SQL Enterprise Manager, Profiler, Query Analyzer, and SQL Management Studio (2005).
  • Strong understanding of Object Oriented architecture and best practices.
  • Firm understanding and experience with structured development processes and methodologies (agile, RUP, iterative, waterfall, etc)
  • Strong analytical and problem solving skills.
  • Recent Microsoft certifications. Your MCP number will be used to verify status.
  • Strong, positive references from past clients/employers.

Good luck with that. I knew a "Senior Engineer" who couldn't write valid HTML.

Salary: I thought you might be wondering that. Let’s just say it’s over 80k.

Hahahahahahhahahaha.

That idiot Senior Engineer drove a Mercedes SLK.

It's hard to find a developer with 5 years of experience and all those qualifications, but impossible to find one who will put up with a douche-bag so cheap they won't pay $25 to post to the jobs section.

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